You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
