I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize