found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
