He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
