my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
