Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
