Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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