We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize