My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
