4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i think i have two assholes
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize