LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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