John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize