All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
