U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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