i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
