i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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