Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
