so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
