walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
