The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
where does the pee come out of this thing
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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