Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Couch. On fire.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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