he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
