mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
