It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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