Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
