So drunk its hurt
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
