Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
