yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
