he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
