She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
