Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
