There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
His nipple licking is glorious
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