Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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