A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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