i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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