The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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