he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
