wrigley field is MILF paradise
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
