she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
