Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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