I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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