Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
