I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
