my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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