Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
