i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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