i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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