I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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