WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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