Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
