Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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