If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
