Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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