I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
