from now on my penis is your penis
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
