I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
