I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
